a little bit of this and that

A whole new world...

Borrowing the title from a song by Peabo Bryson & Regina Belle, I start this blog by writing about my new life at Prasetiya Mulya.

The first thing to say about life in PM is that it's difficult. Why is it difficult, one might ask. The answer would then be, because of the projects both individual and group, given to us, so early in the trimester. For every subject, there would be a minimal of one group project, several subjects require us to give case answers, and one or two subjects have individual projects. The burden of having to do these projects, not to mention the burden of learning new subjects, leaves us with almost no spare time.

The second thing, it is some sort of consolation. I believe me and my colleagues think that the class atmosphere is fun. A lot of funny characters (some would say stressed out), making odd comments once in a while, really make things far more relaxed.

The third and one that I think is the most interesting. It is about my quest to find out, which person(s) in my class is sponsored by sampoerna foundation. I found that it was quite hard trying to find out about the scholarship receivers. They are both humble and uncharacteristically "quiet", as one would expect a scholarship receiver to be extremely active and highly competitive. After a series of questions asked, some answered hesitantly and unclearly, I finally got the names of those who is studying with scholarship. There are five persons and I am sworn not to announce the name of one of the receiver. However, for the purpose of truth, I will now present to you the names of the other four and the initial of the one who made me promised not to tell. They are, Fadli, Lusi, Indri, Irma, and M...

A little more about the third point, the fact that the scholarship receivers are so humble made me think that humility is one of the must-have quality needed to pass the scholarship selection process. However, an interview with one of the receiver cast a doubt over the argument, as the receivers that study at other universities publicly and proudly announced that they are scholarship receivers. What is my point of saying this? I am only curious, whether humility is now an important trait a future leader has to have. In this case, according to Sampoerna Foundation. The result of the investigation showed several alternatives. Firstly, it might be a necessary trait but the test needs to be refined. Secondly, it is not a necessary trait to have. Thirdly, It was not necessary in the past, but necessary now.

I think it's enough, for now...

No regrets, I have no regrets...

Life is like a roller coaster, at times  you could be down below but before you know it, you're propelled to the top..

I am feeling very happy today, but although I'm feeling happy, all the words in my head that I want to put here in my post seemed so mellow. It's funny, I want to write all the good things that has happened lately, yet the words won't come out the way I wanted them to.

The human heart, is very strange, I'm studying myself from a distance, my mind separated from the rest of my body. It's strange that I'm feeling like this again after so many days, months, have past. I'm trying to study how different it is, I want to know, how similar it is..I guess it's useless, everything feel the same yet different at the same time. Why do I have to compare things, in this matter, it's simply useless..

Trying my best to sense all the things happening around and inside me, hearing every words, seeing every sights, feeling every touch, smelling every smell, tasting every taste.That's what I'm gonna do.

Excerpt from an empty brain

"I'm the fool on the hill, I see the sun going down, Yet the eyes in this head don't see the world spinning 'round.."This shoutout on 27-02-2008 is inspired by the song "A Fool On The Hill" by the Beatles,yet it has a different meaning.

I see all the cards laid on the table, I see the truth yet I refuse to accept reality and kept on going based on something that's not exactly unreal, but ephemeral. I don't see the consequences. I see the sun going down but don't see the world spinning 'round. I am a lonely fool, on the hill.

Doing what I've done, going where I've gone, sooner or later, I'm going to take a hit and for me, it's sooner rather than later.. I hate that it has happened sooner rather than later, but I guess it's better for me, it kept me in touch with reality..

I am a fool, I know, but regrets I have none. I'm a fool wearing a sign saying "Save Me", but I know I should have saved myself. Let us just see when would this foolishness ends, would I be saved, would I save myself, or would I fall to a bottomless pit beyond anyone's reach.

18:28, 23-02-2008

I just read my post titled post birthday reflection, I wrote it on the 4th of february 2007. The song I wrote about is titled "I'm gonna find another you" funny that after a year has passed, I would still be talking of the same album from the same singer. Anyway, reading my post back then, I'm really convinced I'm becoming more and more mellow as each day goes by, I wrote that post full of hope, with a bit of curiosity about what the future would bring me. I sensed in my writing, that I have eagerness, enthusiasm, I have a lot of energy, I was.....happy.

And I still recall what made me happy, I had a great, really great birthday party. One of the best in my life.

While my last birthday, well, it's still okay I guess, but not that special. But hey, I promised myself I'm gonna write something different today when I started writing.

Right now, I'm on my way of becoming a businessman, I had hoped that I could get a job in an international organization, guess what things just didn't work out, I was told by my sponsor to finish my education first, well, since I don't feel like working yet, I guess that's the way to go for me, but I chose a business school that's respectable and has a program that would allow me to graduate quickly. I really want to make money, seeing that some of my friends are already working at a great place and earning themselves a fortune. I'm trying to challenge the stock exchange right now, let's see if I got the mentality to survive in that dog-eat-dog world or not, but I'm really really, extremely interested....hahahha

Last week I made some bad and good trade, still made a very slim profit, I guess I have to be more careful next time, what I need is patience, the patience to wait, the eye to spot opportunities and the courage to act when an opportunity presents itself. Let's just say that I'm lucky to have survived from an early shocker. hahaha.
You see, I think of the exchange as a living thing, with its own mind, created by the actions of many independent minds of the fund managers there. I myself, by putting my money there, am connected to that being, and because of that, I seek the way to at first spot the intention of the being by becoming one with it, and secondly, I seek the way to bend the actions of that being according to my will. I see myself seeking those ways as some kind of a game, but this time, you're one with the game.

Fate rewards those who wait...Rushing things would only lead to failure, not acting when an opportunity presents itself, is worse than making a wrong decision...
Have Wisdom, Be Patient, Act Courageously

best rgds,

Mark

Post birthday reflection 2008

...Another year gone by...

I still remember vaguely, I posted a post titled post birthday reflection last year, in there, I wrote something about a song by John Mayer but I can't seemed to recall the title of the song. A calculated guess would be the song "Stop This Train" about someone that doesn't want to get older, he wants to stop the train running the tracks of time and get out, stay young for eternity. But that just doesn't happen, at least not to people that I know of.

I questioned myself, am I happy?What makes me happy?Along my journey from the age of 22 to the age of 23, I would say that I'm generally happy, I have a great life, actually got to graduate from ITB, passed the test for education at Prasetiya Mulya Business School, I should be happy.. I am smiling, yet why does my smile at times seemed half empty. What am I missing in my life? To answer that questions, I'm thinking, who are you missing?I'm missing my brothers, one in singapore and one in God knows where, when they're all here together the fire in my home grows big and the warmth, oh the warmth, I miss the times when we're all together... I'm missing her, someone who I think of often, who would sometimes put a smile on my face when I think of her... I'm missing all my friends from highschool, the family, thinking of the stupid things that we had done, I missed hanging out with you guys and I know when we meet again chances are things won't be like before....I'm missing, from my life, so many things, persons, yet I try not to think of things that I miss, because when you're grim from missing someone so bad, your life would pass just like that and you (or at least I) would miss even more things. I miss...a lot of things, I miss...many people, yet I try to smile, "smile and maybe tomorrow, you'll see the sun come shining through, for you.." -- Smile by Nat King Cole

:)  ;  :-)  ;  =)

I am happy right now, though I am missing a lot in my life, I also have a lot. I said that I would write my next post when I'm happy, I am, just a bit mellow, a tiny bit, nothing much.

I continue my questioning of myself with another question. Have you done the right things, have you made the right decisions?A cliche question, yet one that needs to be asked over and over and over again. It was, is and should always be a part of my life. My decision to enter Prasetiya Mulya, proves to be not exactly right, but meaningful. My decision over who to choose, ehm, right now, it has not been proved right or wrong. I know there are things, decisions that would take a really long time until they were proved right or wrong. There are even some that would never ever be proven. I recall a song by Sinatra, titled My Way, if you made the decision based on your way, then I guess you know you couldn't possibly be wrong, because you decided it your way, but then again, sometimes one is forced to make a decision not according to one's will.

Why am I happy? I am happy because I have a loving family, a place where I could hide and rest. I am happy, because last week I made a comeback from a losing position. I am happy because I have a cozy room, one that's so comfortable, I don't feel like going out of this room. I feel happy because I have a great car, I'm happy because my family and I are healthy.  I have plenty of reasons to be happy. Happy, happy, happy, I'm brainwashing myself to be happy, but if that's what it takes to be happy, I'm gonna do it over and over again.

I'm 23 now, not long before I'm 24, then 25, 26,... the train of life, as Mr. Mayer would probably say, is going without slowing.

...yet the memories would always be remembered...

a little bit of this and that vol 01/2008

"Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in.."  - Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) The Godfather part III.

"Just when I thought I had it all thought out, nothing went as planned"  - Mark Sasongko, Tuesday 22:41, 29-01-2008.

What I think of my life lately reminds me of what Michael Corleone said in the movie The Godfather part III. For those of you who haven't seen it, Michael Corleone is the head of an organized crime syndicate who is seeking his way out of the underworld and into the legal world. He sees the ways of the mafia as a cancer in the civilized world, that would only corrupt and destroy society. And he said the line as an expression of frustration and anger when things went out of control and his plans to be legitimate were ruined.

I feel the same as Michael did in the movie, though my problem is not as big as his, and my level of frustration is not as high as his, different in level but same in nature. After careful consideration of various aspects, I made a decision, planned my course of action and set to carry out that plan, yet why are things going against me?Why? I am asking..Why, MIchael would probably also ask..

Am I making the wrong decision? I am now asking myself..I know that I have to earn everything in life, meaning I have to fight for everything, never give up, but how can I fight for something I'm not sure of, how can I be sure?Got me thinking, how can one be sure of something?It takes time to be sure, but when time needs to be fought for, and when one must be sure before fighting for something, it's like asking what came first, chicken or egg?

A little story on the side, I bought a CD from Yovie & Nuno, titled "The Special One" at first I wasn't too fond of the songs in the CD, but after playing it twice, thrice, ..., I began to like it. Most of the songs in the CD are about triangle love stories, A and B loves C, A loves B and C, A loves B but B loves C, etc. When I bought it, another friend commented about the CD saying that Yovie & Nuno often use the theme of triangle love in their songs, she strengthened her comment with an example of their last hit on the album before this, titled "Indah Kuingat Dirimu". Nevertheless, I still say that the album is worth listening to and worth buying(for all of you Indonesian people, let us support the Indonesian Music Industry by buying original CDs and Cassettes).

Another bit of this and that, my life as an intern at Nobu Sushi/Shabu restaurant is great, I made new friends and learned a great deal. Working as a dishwasher and then a waiter is quite tiring, but it is worth the time and effort. I feel that I'm not wasting my time waiting for my master's degree program to start by doing nothing or by just having fun all the time.

I actually feel better, writing this and getting things off my mind, hopefully things would turn out better for me, I know that life always turns, like in my previous post, I remember I was complaining about my life and then the wheel of life turns. It's just that I feel the time in the ups is shorter than in the downs of life. But hey, time flies when you're happy. Hmm, next time I would post a message when I'm happy, I don't remember ever posting a blog when I'm happy.. So next post, hopefully you'll see a happier me.

Mark

to choose, options, right or wrong, results...

what would you do when your heart and head collides?when you must choose between following your feelings or your logic...what would you do, amidst all the confusion, you risk losing everything by doing nothing, yet choosing one option over the other, whichever that option is, seemed both right and wrong from different prespectives..

options, options, options, options, options, how do you know when it's time to act, when it's time to wait?rushing things would lead to a disaster, waiting too long would make you lose an opportunity, and opportunities more often than not do not come twice. what, where, when, how, why, questions that need answers, all asked to help choose between options.

The more I think of it, life is all about making choices, sometimes you make the right one, sometimes you don't..The thing is it takes time, sometimes a long time, to know whether you've made the right choices or not other times, we could never be really sure whether we've made the right choices or not.

by choosing, one defines oneself in life .. a friend of mine once said, replying to me saying I exist because I think, I exist because I choose..our existence is who we are, seen by ourselves and others. We are what we choose to be..choose wisely..

Revelation

I feel more at ease now, I've just graduated, after a series of unfortunate events that occurred at my graduation day, I confronted the evils within me and now I feel very much relaxed. There's another side to the story, this whole confrontation with the evils within me has left me with a molten heart, I hate to feel like this, it makes me feel vulnerable..Yet it also makes me feel, human, not some robot whose existence is to reach a certain goal.

Thoughts are currently running through my mind, I think that lately my blog posts are created when I am being human, when my heart has access to my brain, though it occurs sporadically, sometimes only in short streaks. A person drowning and trying to gasp for air describes how my human side is fighting and sometimes taking control. I do not know how long I am going to stay this way, how long before logic once again prevails over irrational behaviors.

It suddenly comes to light, why I keep changing between "modes", one mode has the advantage of not being able to feel sorrow and remorse yet it brings stress and violent behavior. The other is soft and full of compassion yet it is weak and vulnerable to all sort of emotions.

The question is not about which is the best side to have, the question is how to take the best of both "modes", or how to use a "mode" best suited for a certain situation. I have yet to find the way to answer the question. In the meantime I would be moving in and out between modes, maybe if I switch with a frequency nearing infinity I would be able to combine the two modes into a single, stable, personality.

In this last paragraph I'd like to say that I'm lucky to be reminded that I am still human, but I don't know how long it will last or whether I would want it to last. I once said that I had discovered much about my personality and its evolution though not all, I'm guessing that once this last question is answered, I would finally achieve the ultimate me, the one that could fulfill the purpose of my existence..

I am free, free, free, I am not free...

Now that whole business with my final project is done, I could finally take a deep breath, and say to myself, now you're free, there's nothing you should do, you could, eat, sleep, play all the time.... Yet....

I am not free, I'm chained to visions I have of myself, my future, I'm chained, by myself, by my needs, by my desire, how can I be chained by myself, that is a mystery altogether, how can one say that he's about to do things he dreamed of, yet he said that he's not free?I'm not free, I'm binded to myself, my background, things I've done, things I want to do, and because of that I'm binded to this world, the rules it follows, the events that took and will take place, thus I'm binded by the Creator of this world.. One can never be free as long as one lives, or is it just me?

I can not relax, although my work is done in ITB, I still can't sleep at night, I'm thinking, searching, missing, something.... My head is full with schemes, tactics, desires, numbers and persons, it's crowding my head. I said to myself, you need someone, then I continue, no you don't, it's too easy to blame this on that, it's not someone, it's something, or is it both?All to easy to blame this on not having someone to love, so I won't even get to it, I've already whined too much about it, what's worse, I knew that most of the times, it was not the thing I need...

Continuing from my last post, I have to admit that once again I'm proved wrong, all my worries turned out to be, well, worries, never a reality...
Also, there's a little story on the side, when I was out having dinner with friends, one  of them asked me, ky, 2.5 maksdna 2.5 tahun ya?I was surprised, I instantly knew what she was talking about, it's something from my last post. Though she guessed wrong, but she read my blog, I asked her, lho, tau darimana li, lo baca blog gue ya? she said, iy, blog lo tuh enak dibaca ky.. At that point, I feel, glad.. Glad that someone think of my blog as something more than the ramblings of a half crazy, arrogant, mean man.. Lately I have been receiving a few positive remarks about my post, believe it or not, I felt acknowledged, I was happy, to receive recognition, although most of my writings are ramblings lately. I've always wanted to write, and thought that I think I might be a good writer, now that my blog have been published and the post is receiving positive remarks, I thought, maybe I do have a talent in writing?who knows... Anyways, this was meant to be a thank you note, to all of you readers that I don't know of (up to that point I've always thought that the one reading my blog was just siska, heheh, hi sis), feel free to leave a comment or two, criticizing or praising, I'll accept both, just for the sake of me knowing who's reading my blogs.. then again, do I really need to know who's reading?then don't leave a comment, hehehehe, either way is fine with me.

rgds,

Mark

ps : I feel that something is still missing from this post, maybe I'll continue one this topic, but at the moment, more pressing matters are at hand

a little bit of this and that vol 01/200

to thought that I've never written a little bit of this and that up to now in this year
it is an embarassment to this blog, luckily, I remembered....

so I've just got home, a few friends from beswan djarum community came to jakarta, it's for an event called LKTI lomba karya tulis ilmiah, anyways, we went to see a movie, it was highlander, the source, hahha, to tell you the truth, the movie is not great, i repeat not great, but for me, it has nostalgic value... I remember when I was just a boy, I used to watch highlander everyday, I even fantasize that I was an immortal, and then I would fight with using sticks, bamboo poles, etc, pretending they were swords...

ah, the great old days
I have nothing to worry about....

earlier, I went to HP service center, I planned  to service my ipaq there, but damn, prices are expensive, I decided that I'd keep my phone just as it is, the damage is not very fatal, just annoying... To back my argument, do you justify 250 thousand rupiahs just for a small plastic battery cover?I'm robbed...
damn that HP....
Ah, I wish I won a hundred million rupiahs from that green tea that I like to buy, but alas, the law of probability is at play, why should I win?among all the people?A mean man like me....I shouldn't win....but I want to..
the irony, thinking of winning but feeling that I shouldn't win..

the thought of her crossed my mind, the attraction is mainly physical I said to myself, but yet I can't get her out of my mind, no, not today, not entirely, at least not until i've found someone else....
I want to find someone else someone new, than those two and a half...
hahhaa, I'd admit that you are smart if you could guess what's the meaning of that...

I'm on a mission, to search for good french songs, I'm hearing paris combo now, it's quite good, so is janet seidel and the album french cafe by putomayo...
a little bit of information for you on a little bit of this and that..

I whine too much!I tend to do that
not realizing the good things that I have...but isn't it human?to feel unsatisfied, to want more from life
to want more from
love?
to want more
money?
to be more
attractive?
to want more
wins?
tell me am I not just a human, to feel lust, for many things life has to offer?
................
............
.......
.....
the more I want them, the more they wouldn't come
that's the way God is playing the game of life with me
kinda funny isn't it, it's like the bee gees when they sing I started a joke, everyone started crying when he/she/they started the joke,  and then started laughing when they/he/she started crying..
people say the more you chase something, the more it will run away from you..
then what if I'm searching for God?
will God run away from me?
suddenly I remember, the more one is close to God, the harder his test would be..
makes one wonder, should we even be close to God the 1st place?surely we don't want any trouble
surely we don't want to be tested?
I keep telling myself now, it's just a test from God, it will past, quicker, if you keep your faith, so help me, God...
Judging from my past posts, I often write about God, about my experience with the entity I call God...I'm not that religious, I don't go to church often though I'm a catholic, i'm not a true catholic, I don't practice much of Jesus' teachings..I'm just a sinner, whining about what I want that God haven't given to me..
I write this blog, this post, because I'm a forgetful person, I don't want to forget about things, that's why it's written here... in this blog, I dont' want to forget that I whined to God about things now, so that when I'm proved wrong, and deep in my heart I know I will be proved wrong, I could read this post again and said
I TOLD YOU SO!!!

a bit of this, a bit of that, little bits and pieces of life, my life, here, a man named

Mark